Acts of Stupidity, by Yours Truly (& Co.)

Y'all, last night I ate leftover pizza in bed while watching Parenthood. And it was awesome. For awhile, it felt like any second my mom would pop her head around the corner to yell at me for the lack of greens on my plate, but homegirl is a four hour flight away so pizza it is.

Times like these, this living on my own thing can be pretty darn cool. But on the flip side, there have been... let's call them special instances when my friends and I have jumped and shot towards the hoop only to realize we threw complete airballs. You should've seen me the first time I bought eggs. SEVEN DOLLARS?! I was very much personally offended. As folks who spent the last four years with house chefs who have cooked for former presidents (allegedly) and the nicest cleaning staff and students specifically appointed and paid to make weekly Costco runs to stock our snack pantry with five kinds of dip and three boxes of Bagel Bites and taquitos, this transition has at times proven tricky. 

Judge lightly, people, as you check out these gems. I hope you find them slightly endearing?

Exhibit A:
Someone I cooked some eggs #humblebrag #youjealous? and then left the spatula on the pan on the stove along with the rest of the dirty dishes to wash after one I ate. Poured half a bottle of Cholula on eggs, ate the eggs, watched an episode of FRIENDS. Then, one I went back to the kitchen, grabbed the spatula only to find it SCORCHING hot and thought, oh must not have cooled yet. 
THREE HOURS LATER. The spatula is still burning hot, and it is then that one I realized the stove had been on the whole time. Thank all good karma and juju that it was on the lowest of low settings and that I one finally stopped being a dunce, but still. Bird brain.
Exhibit B:
Friend: "I set my microwave on fire when I made oatmeal today."
Exhibit C:
Friend: "I locked my car keys in my trunk, and my spares in the car."
Exhibit D: 
At the grocery store, a friend clicked 'no' to the default 'Help End Child Hunger' screen on the credit card machine. The cashier totally called him out on it (awkward), and he just goes "well first I need to end my own hunger."
Exhibit I Lost Count:
Friend: "Did you know you're not supposed to eat raw chicken? I got salmonella." To be fair, he was in Japan and thought raw everything was standard.
Exhibit More:
I made my friend come over to teach me how to use my own (in-unit thank GOODNESS) washing machine because it looked intimidating. This meant I had to hold off on laundry for ... some time.
Exhibit Last:
As I was (proudly) hand-washing my dishes all fa-la-laaaaaaa humming as Cinderella would, my roommate walks in, takes one look at the scene, and just goes: you do know that we have a dishwasher right? As a matter of fact, no I didn't. Not even after living here for three weeks. *faceplant* *bemused face emoji*
Tell me I'm not alone! Please?!?!