What I'd Actually Turn Notifications On For

As we all know by now, Instagram announced the Algorithm Apocalypse and then every person on Instagram [ergo every person on this planet] proceeded to flip the frick out and plaster the dang app in "please turn on post notifications" pleas.

First and foremost, take it from me: don't do it. Don't beg for that. My best friend has had post notifications turned on for my Twitter (and Instagram? Cassandra, can you confirm?) for years now and so literally four seconds after I alert the world to a witty thought or a punny caption, I get a text four seconds afterwards stating,

"stop it idiot"

Internet fame, guys. It's not as peachy as it sounds.

So I won't be asking anyone to go through the whole clicking of the dot dot dot business and won't be turning on post notifications for anyone either... Work email alerts scare me enough as it is.

In general, I abhor push notifications. They're pesky and relentless is what they are. But then I got to thinking about what sorts of events and situations I actually would like to be notified of, and here I present to you the exceptions to my no push notifications lifestyle.

:: Odd San Francisco events. I'd like to know about any and all odd San Francisco gatherings in my vicinity at any point throughout the day. They are simply unlike anything else in the world. Exhibit A, from Easter Weekend: a Foxy Mary and Hunky Jesus competition. It's... hmm... how do we phrase this. Let's just say, spiritual pageantry. Exhibit B, from Easter Weekend: Bring Your Own Big Wheel. Wasted adults hurtling down the windiest street in the city on plastic tricycles or office chairs or what have you, in getups such as dozens of balloons taped to their body or a Canadian flag or the go-to onesie. Exhibits C and D: Santa Con. Bay to Breakers.

I'd also prefer to know about the not-so-strange SF events, like the Treasure Island Flea Market. Wouldya look at that view of the city from Treasure Island? Bay Bridge to Golden Gate Bridge, it's all there. Beautiful. Come to think of it, I'd like to be notified of any Instagrammable vista or panoramic shot from anywhere in the WORLD. 

:: food. I'd like a push notification to come through whenever there's food near me. All food. Any kind, but so much more for you Glen Coco if it happens to be 1) photogenic, 2) cheap, 3) Chipotle, or 4) delicious. But I don't discriminate... I'd still like to be in-the-know about all food within three feet of me.

The closest system I have currently is our office dog Tony who barks curtly when our lunch order or daily dimsum delivery from our office landlord arrives every day. It'll do for now.

:: if I'm within eight yards of a colored wall or white rug or free WiFi. 

:: when a new episode of a favorite TV show is up and ready on Hulu. I'm aware that there's the 'queue' function, but ain't nobody got time for that.

:: if there's a sale for all the off-the-shoulder tops in the world. 

:: when there's a cheap flight somewhere. Anywhere. I do realize that there's a little thing called "Kayak" but that requires certain information from me such as a date of departure or a destination or other non-important details. I moreso just want my mind to be read.

"Oh, you wanna be transported to Bali right this second? Let me send you this $75 dollar flight I found. No need to thank me, the pleasure's all mine" type of thing, get what I'm saying? 

:: puppies. I'd like to know ASAP if there is a puppy or a kitty close by for me to pet. It would be the single greatest technological innovation that ever existed. 
That's all I have for ya on this fine Hump Day, my friends. Let us brave this new terrain in solidarity!
PS. The more concerning Instagram news to me is that the log-off and add a account options have straight up disappeared. WHAT THE HELL.
What would you turn post notifications on for?