Cluttered Calendar, Cluttered Mind

And just like that, it's June 12th.

Several times this year, I've started writing a new blog post with some variation of "Life Update" as the title. I'll usually begin with something along the lines of "time sure flies, doesn't it," then list several 'newsworthy-in-the-world-of-Caroline’ bullet points, and then proceed to leave the tab open until one day I click back to add more only to realize a whole month has passed. And then, I start a new draft and the cycle repeats itself.

This is all to say: one meal, project, story, weekend, month at a time - time sure flies, doesn't it? 

So, a “life update!” Let’s start with this… Clutter has been the operating word around these parts recently: my mind is in a million places at once, my browser tabs/inbox/calendar are out of control, and my room/apartment… well, I keep on tripping over my yet-to-be-unpacked suitcase and the pile of “emergency laundry” has become more a mountain, really.

That’s an update! I got back from vacation a week ago: a blissful ten days spent in Slovenia and Croatia with my best friend. I walked into work last Monday miffed that I was no longer tanning on the rocks next to the Adriatic Sea, but also beaming because I had the most wonderful encounter with one of my favorite writers and because I had a whole day to talk my coworkers’ ears off about my trip. A coworker even pinged me to tell me he’d never seen me so happy or relaxed. The vacay glow, we’re calling it. I had no plans on the calendar and not a worry on my mind… 

*Flash forward to 24 hours later*

Not only did I now have plans for every night of last week, but also somehow I was booked for all of THIS week too, plus all the weekends until mid-July, as well as a last minute trip to LA for work (which I left for at 5am today), a weekend in Seattle, a music festival in August, a musical in DECEMBER. How does this even happen?! (Question asked by both my sanity and the fraud detection on my credit card.) 

This “scheduling spiral” did something funky to my brain - it was almost like the more that fell on the calendar, the more I had to keep adding to it. There was an urgency to be in motion, to be doing and having fun. Evenings devoid of drinks or a movie or a date or seeing friends from out of town just seemed wasted, a missed opportunity, especially in these light-filled summer nights. My theory is that the prospect of going through the motions of my regular routine with no trip to count down to induced a panic, so I scheduled numerous exciting micro-events to compensate.

Which is CRAZY you guys because until now, I’ve savored the sloth moments most of all: home alone, in my sweatpants on the couch catching up on SVU while eating mac and cheese straight from the pot. That was my happiest place of all.

To be honest, this began long before the vacation. The trip followed an insanely packed - but SUCH A FUN - May (concerts and friends in town and Bay to Breakers - see above! - and work travel) which followed an insanely packed April (more work travel and weekends out of town and ahem, my birthday) which followed an insanely packed March, and you see now where this is going. 

It’s also compounded by the fact that I live with my best friends. When this madness is happening in their lives too (and it is), it all accumulates until between her date, her work conference, her new job, her new relationship, her friend visiting, we’ve grocery-shopped a grand total of three times in 2018 because two of us are going to busy three nights this week so what’s the point and next week I’ll be out of town and her work schedule is insane so that’s a no too, and here we are: pantry bare, filling each other in on our days five minutes before bedtime in the hallway, all struggling to stay awake for one more update. 

2018 has been a year of doing all the things !!!! and saying yes. And while it has made for a wonderfully fun year with all sorts of beautiful memories, there’ve also been several lowlights too. Heightened anxiety, for example, to a degree I’ve never experienced before. Several of my closest coworkers moving on to new opportunities, which is amazing of course but I MISS THEM! And of course, the aforementioned busy-ness leaving me feeling totally burnt out and in need of major quality time with Olivia Benson and Annie’s White Cheddar Shells, not to mention my tribe. I haven’t been the best daughter or sister (or aunt!) or friend, and it’s time to take a step back from the nonstop nature of it all and shift some priorities around.

So! Clutter, do you see now? I wrote this post 100% to chat with you about Europe and Los Angeles and beach days (next post, maybe? Or have you had enough of me?), but then my fingers had a mind of their own, and I guess this is what they really wanted to write. Writing this post has already helped tremendously though - so much of how I make sense of the world and my own mind has always been through typing out all the jumbled thoughts in my brain, and watching them materialize in somewhat coherent threads. So thank you for listening - checking in here always feels like grabbing coffee with an old friend! 

Now, I want to hear about you. Drop a note in the comments, or email me - how has 2018 treated you? Are you ever plagued by the need to always be in motion? How do you pause?